Golden Boys in the Golden Light
I used to blog a lot about motherhood. Now that motherhood is once again too overwhelming to write, let alone to analyse it, I am contented with only experiencing it - full immersion, head-on, overwhelmingly so. The plans to put Julian in daycare fell through and I'm back to being busy, busy, busy. This doesn't stop me from taking photos, though. Lots and lots of great photos!
Here are Johnny and Julian during the golden hour last night in the back yard. Below, you will find some late-night meditations about the aforementioned pains of motherhood...in the most humorous sense I'm capable of making right now.
Preschool - a highly competitive, expensive, and exclusive club, all information on which is kept a secret and is coveted after by at least 80% of the world's population of parents. Beware - you will be befriended at playgrounds over that information alone, and will be dumped immediately after you spill the beans.
Wait List - the thing that confirms that you are still not cool even at 35. The adult version of "You can't sit with us."
Montessori - children's equivalent of Scientology. A soft-core cult for kids. Synonyms: bullshit.
Doctor's Office - a place where you hang out three times a month on average, because your kids don't have developed immune systems and you have no friends.
Attachment Parenting - this is when you have worse separation anxiety than your toddler.
Online Parenting Forums - for when you want to read things you don't need to know written by people you don't know about things they know next to nothing about. Entertaining, nevertheless. It's a great example of the syndrome called Spontaneous Lobotomy After Giving Birth.
Co-Sleeping - for couples who have decided that they have had enough sex, and that they don't want to have sex ever again.
Free-Range Parenting - for people who don't like responsibility OR their own kids.
Nickelodeon - when you really want your kids to fail in life.
Toy Weapons - people who think it's still 1955 give those to their kids.
Instagram Moms - women who have kids so that they can have cooler props for their photos.
Potty Training - that thing stranger parents really want to discuss 3 seconds after you've met them.
Gender Conforming - the thing you do when you really like the colors pink and blue. Or the idea that the world is flat.
Bad Parent - every parent whose kid is throwing a tantrum at a public place.
Good parent - every parent whose kids you never see or hear.
Play Date - spending 2 hours of watching someone else's kid being ridiculous and pretending to like it.
Cute - the word you use when someone's kid is being particularly unpleasant.
Things are crazy busy right now - the thing you say to other parents when you'd rather shave your head and move to Tibet to live with goats than hang out with them.
Soccer Mom - a woman who works as a chauffeur without getting paid.
Mommy Blogger - a female journalist or writer who had kids and is trying to pretend she doesn't regret it.
Stay at Home Dad - they exist but no one has seen them, except other stay at home dads. They are a secret society that has its own language. Stay at home moms and stay at home dads don't hang out together but I don't know why. It's weird.
Working Mom - every mom.
Date Night - urban myth. It happens once or twice a year at random so you are always caught by surprise and never have your legs shaved.
Smart Phones - not smart enough for a one-year-old.
Bath Time - often referred to as NO. End of bath time, also known as NO.
Bed Time - the Holy Grail.
Counting to Three - it usually goes up to 42 before becoming effective.
Dinner - something you worry too much about and spend an hour preparing only to throw it away because Mac and Cheese is better.
Teething - this helps: take ice, put it in a cup, pour tequila on top, drink, repeat.
Sand Box - your worst enemy.
Bad Dream - the thing that your kid has when he doesn't want to go to sleep. See also: monsters under bed, I need to pee, I need water, I need a hug, one more story.
I am not tired - what you always hear but never feel.
Sharing - String Theory is more easily understood by your kids than this concept.
Organic Baby Products - expensive crap with no merit other that having been endorsed by famous people. Who are famous on no other merit than being famous.
Haha. I think...